I mostly present the following as advice, but remember to read with the proverbial grain of salt. I have no illusions I'm some poly guru. Quite the opposite! In fact, much of what's here is cast in the light of what I've utterly, ridiculously, disastrously messed up, so that you maybe don't have to. Really, this post is aimed at the poly-curious or new-to-poly, but it's also an unapologetic confessional-as-cautionary tale from my messy, majorly amygdala-hijacked coming-out period.
To jump down to any certain topic, use these links:
Resource recommendations
Do a self-check: what are your motivations?
New relationship energy (NRE)
Basics of communication and structure
Potential benefits (including "compersion")
"Coming out" period often messy
A poly faux pas-"unicorn hunting"
Jealousy and time management
Rules, guidelines, agreements
Bottom line
To jump down to any certain topic, use these links:
Resource recommendations
Do a self-check: what are your motivations?
New relationship energy (NRE)
Basics of communication and structure
Potential benefits (including "compersion")
"Coming out" period often messy
A poly faux pas-"unicorn hunting"
Jealousy and time management
Rules, guidelines, agreements
Bottom line
ON THE LITERATURE AVAILABLE
There are lots of blogs, but the More Than Two one is a great first stop in the blogosphere. I wish I had time to listen to podcasts, because I hear there are some great ones. [If you comment with your own favorite links, I'll add them!] Here's More Than Two's listing of resources, including other blogs and podcasts.
The best book is 8 Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up. It's short and has a straight-shooting tone. The other books (I've read them all) are also good, but this one has the most bang for your buck. I recommend reading it with any existing partners and discussing it before you start to transition from monogamy, if that's your situation. Though there were other factors at play, if my anchor partner and I had done more prep work before I met and fell in love with my (now ex) bf, he might not be my ex. (Heavy-hearted sigh.) [For an explanation of one of those other factors, click here: More Than Two explains the "game changer."]
A couple more resources I'd like to highlight:
- Here is the blog done by the author of that book I love so much, Cunning Minx: Polyamory Weekly.
- Since I'm also wired toward BDSM/kink, I thought I should read up on how kink partners with poly, and the potential pitfalls. You can read about that, too, in Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic. [Yet another thing that factored into my break up with the bf... we had no idea--ok, I'll just own my own emotions, I had no idea--how to mesh poly and openness with having my most Precious Pet in the history of Pet-kind on the proverbial and the literal leash. He did much better with letting me run free, bless his generous heart.]
All these resources will help you get introspective. You'll begin to ask yourself some questions. Maybe some of them will be: What am I in this for? Is it my core identity (as I know it is in my case)? Is it a fun or temporary experiment? Ego validation? Or expression of personal philosophy (non-commodified relationships, freedom as an orientation, etc.)?
In my case, I was using my first poly relationship to run away from my domestic life and all the negative ideas I've absorbed about what it means to be a wife and a mother. In a totally unacknowledged fashion! It wasn't the primary driver of my love for my bf, by any means, but it created an enormous stress on my existing relationship, to say the least, and made me feel constantly torn between my husband and my bf. To the point of anxiety attacks and some self-harming, eventually. The husband had no feeling of security I wasn't just trading him in, and the bf was constantly made to feel he didn't belong. If that's not a recipe for disaster, I don't know what is.
To be fair to me and my ex, that relationship was also a catalyst for both of us to lean into more full self-acceptance and self-expression. I do not regret it, and I no longer apologize to anyone, including and especially myself, for going all in with him, even and especially given the "eggs-and-balls-to-the-wall" approach we took.
To be fair to me and my ex, that relationship was also a catalyst for both of us to lean into more full self-acceptance and self-expression. I do not regret it, and I no longer apologize to anyone, including and especially myself, for going all in with him, even and especially given the "eggs-and-balls-to-the-wall" approach we took.
The advice here? Make sure you are at home in yourself and in existing relationships, lest ye be tempted to become more of a serial monogamist (trading one person in for another) versus truly polyamorous.
NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY (NRE)
NRE (New Relationship Energy) is potentially addictive [check this great article on that from Aphrodite's Web] and can convince you an existing relationship isn't worth your time anymore, when really, you're just bailing for something easier. Nothing stays easy forever. Are you poly and capable of loving more than one person with loyalty and real commitment, or are you just... looking for something "better" and refusing to do the work to make your current life satisfying?
Disclaimer: Were you fully prepared and at peace with every aspect of your life and yourself when you undertook the numerous monogamous relationships you've likely had? I doubt it. I know I wasn't. Did you have to learn by doing and make mistakes with those? Yeah, you did. Check yourself, Temet Nosce and all that, but be gentle on yourself if and when things still go somehow awry.
After the breakup of my triad relationship last August, I spent most of the winter in a personal hell the likes of which I hope I never go through again. BUT... I was finally forced into deeper mindfulness measures (meditation being one) and had to learn how to better control my tendency toward outbursts when I feel threatened or insecure. [In case you like poetry, here are a couple poems about my grief/healing process.]
After the breakup of my triad relationship last August, I spent most of the winter in a personal hell the likes of which I hope I never go through again. BUT... I was finally forced into deeper mindfulness measures (meditation being one) and had to learn how to better control my tendency toward outbursts when I feel threatened or insecure. [In case you like poetry, here are a couple poems about my grief/healing process.]
In other words, you may need to wreck yo'self as well as check yourself. I hope you strike the right balance to survive with your peace and relationships intact!
On triads: I'm mostly linking this one for myself, in case I am ever brave enough to try my favorite relationship structure again: from Sex Geek, "Tips and Tricks for Triads."
On triads: I'm mostly linking this one for myself, in case I am ever brave enough to try my favorite relationship structure again: from Sex Geek, "Tips and Tricks for Triads."
NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY (NRE)
NRE (New Relationship Energy) is potentially addictive [check this great article on that from Aphrodite's Web] and can convince you an existing relationship isn't worth your time anymore, when really, you're just bailing for something easier. Nothing stays easy forever. Are you poly and capable of loving more than one person with loyalty and real commitment, or are you just... looking for something "better" and refusing to do the work to make your current life satisfying?
Another couple of links on NRE:
- one from Journals of a Polyamorous Triad
- something from Black Dragon Blog: Loving Women While Staying Free. This post makes some good points, though they're aimed at protecting men from us "clingy women." I just read it replacing "women" with "people" cuz, well, we are.
I will allow myself a self-indulgent moment concerning NRE, but I'll force myself to keep it brief: Take the warnings about NRE seriously, people. Have a plan in place for the tsunami if it strikes. The NRE I had with my bf was... well, in the entirety of my low-impulse-controlled, uninhibited, NRE-junkie life, I'd never felt its like.
You can't possibly talk too much with yourself and/or any current partners about how you might like to structure things. I say "might" because things may have to shift as you get experience and learn better what works for you and what doesn't, over time. There is absolutely no way to know ahead of time, and no one ever structures things "perfectly" to start. [Think of your early experiences with monogamy in your pre-teens/teen years! Trial and error and lots of angst!]
You will learn over time how much energy you have to put toward/want to put toward this or that relationship; whether you like having only one primary partner and want to keep the rest of your connections "casual"; or, if you're like me, if you'd like 2 to 3 "anchor" partners and some casual fun with others with or without those anchor partners. The only way to learn this is through experience, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't read, read, read and talk, talk, talk, too. Are you a relationship anarchist? Or do you want a strong primary partnership model? Somewhere in between, like me? And whatever the answer, WHY? Delve into your reasons. Talk to your partner, your friends, and to yourself in a journal!
Warning: Choose your audience carefully! If your friends and family are anti-poly, they may only shame you or make you spend all your time defining and defending your situation.
You will learn over time how much energy you have to put toward/want to put toward this or that relationship; whether you like having only one primary partner and want to keep the rest of your connections "casual"; or, if you're like me, if you'd like 2 to 3 "anchor" partners and some casual fun with others with or without those anchor partners. The only way to learn this is through experience, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't read, read, read and talk, talk, talk, too. Are you a relationship anarchist? Or do you want a strong primary partnership model? Somewhere in between, like me? And whatever the answer, WHY? Delve into your reasons. Talk to your partner, your friends, and to yourself in a journal!
Warning: Choose your audience carefully! If your friends and family are anti-poly, they may only shame you or make you spend all your time defining and defending your situation.
To help you get started, here's a great explanation of the difference between hierarchical poly, non-hierarchical poly, and relationship anarchy.
POTENTIAL BENEFITS, including the infamous "compersion"
The literature will lead you through many talking points, but one might be, as mentioned previously: What are your goals in living this way, what do you see as the potential benefits? For me, because it's my identity, it's not a choice to live this way or not, but still, I can define my goals for/consider the benefits of my poly life. Just as monogomists can struggle with maintaining their version of loyalty and default to non-consensual non-monogamy, poly folk can become tempted to "shut things down" and go mono during high-processing periods. It helps to have the benefits in mind when times get tough. For me, poly has had these benefits thus far:
POTENTIAL BENEFITS, including the infamous "compersion"
The literature will lead you through many talking points, but one might be, as mentioned previously: What are your goals in living this way, what do you see as the potential benefits? For me, because it's my identity, it's not a choice to live this way or not, but still, I can define my goals for/consider the benefits of my poly life. Just as monogomists can struggle with maintaining their version of loyalty and default to non-consensual non-monogamy, poly folk can become tempted to "shut things down" and go mono during high-processing periods. It helps to have the benefits in mind when times get tough. For me, poly has had these benefits thus far:
- Living this way un-cages my libido, thereby making me more of an artist. Check this short article on Sex and Creativity: Are They Connected? Whether or not you agree with that piece's central point, we do know the libido affects self-expression and vice versa.
- I'm not "on the make" as much as I used to be when I was monogamous, ironically. Now that I'm "allowed" to pursue my urges, they're not as compulsive.
- Compersion, which means taking pleasure in a loved one's pleasure that's derived from another source (outside you). Check this Huff Post blog: "A Polyamorous Principle That Can Strengthen Any Relationship." On a related note, it has improved my sex life with my anchor partner. Here's what Polyamory Diaries blogger has to say on that: "How Polyamory Is Improving My Sex Life." I would add that if you almost never feel compersion, and if you've been living poly for a while, you might want to question whether you are actually poly and/or whether you feel secure in your relationship(s), and if not, why not?
It's a cliche that you shouldn't date someone new to poly for a good reason. The "coming out" phase is messy even with the most emotionally balanced people, especially if we're talking about a couple transitioning to poly. To be honest, the success rate there isn't very high, but it seems :crosses fingers: my husband and I have pulled it off. My bf and I mostly functioned like we were in a monogamous relationship, mourning not being able to get on the "relationship escalator" and becoming almost merged. As noted, we didn't survive the transition.
[Gratuitous digression: As a bonus for you, here's the playlist I made for those times I wanted to clutch his ratty hoodie to my chest while collapsed in a pity party puddle in the corner of my room. It eventually became stiff with months of tears and snot. Sexy!]
[Gratuitous digression: As a bonus for you, here's the playlist I made for those times I wanted to clutch his ratty hoodie to my chest while collapsed in a pity party puddle in the corner of my room. It eventually became stiff with months of tears and snot. Sexy!]
Even though the cliche exists for a reason, we all have to be new to it sometime, as none of us were born into it the way we're conditioned into monogamy. So go easy on others and yourself during that phase. Here's a pretty good, brief Reddit on the topic.
As with any art or creative endeavor or DIY experience, expect some mess, some learning by doing, some hurt feelings and "waste" of resources and time while you figure it out. Just as with monogamy, your first few partners in this structure may not work out. [Are you still with your middle-school sweetheart? Didn't think so.]
A POLY FAUX PAS
As with any art or creative endeavor or DIY experience, expect some mess, some learning by doing, some hurt feelings and "waste" of resources and time while you figure it out. Just as with monogamy, your first few partners in this structure may not work out. [Are you still with your middle-school sweetheart? Didn't think so.]
A POLY FAUX PAS
It's a faux pas to hunt for a unicorn. Lots of couples transitioning try to start by doing it this way. It's not a very attractive practice because it assumes a third party is just going to fit into some space you already carved out for them. How can a relationship/love develop organically if the parameters for engagement are already set? Some folks who are only looking for hot/momentary kink/casual may want to be a unicorn. When I'm in a casual-only state of mind, either out of self-protection or maybe a time/resource paucity, it's something I've often wanted to be and have enjoyed being. My anchor and I had our own "gateway unicorn" into the poly life! The point is, it's best not to assume and to approach someone as one individual to another. Be prepared to be judged by more experienced poly folks if you're in a couple and are notoriously always unicorn hunting. Here's an article from the Relationship Anarchy blog, "The Tropes and Troubles with Unicorn Hunting." Also, check this advice from one unicorn to another.
JEALOUSY & TIME MANAGEMENT
Jealousy is always the biggest issue we poly folk are asked to address, "What about jealousy? How do you handle that?" [The second-most common question is, "how do you have the energy/time?"] The quick answer to the jealousy question is: jealousy can be downgraded to the same status as any other emotion, like finding your partner left dishes in the sink. It's always about the underlying cause. [On that note, here's an article about how "mental load" can be distributed unequally in partnerships. Off-topic, but it does explain what's often under the outrage over dishes left in the sink, haha!]
Of course, some situations and some people trigger more jealousy than others. What's important is to examine the reasons for that and to be prepared for the fact that there will be unpredictable differences across different relationships. I wanted to keep my ex bf in a cage in my basement, but I experience almost no jealousy of my anchor partner/husband. I felt insecure in one bond and secure in the other.
Get at the root of your responses and work there, instead of trying to just squelch the symptoms. Here's a great Bustle article with short interviews concerning jealousy. This one is my favorite source so far, though, because it discusses jealousy as a social, not an individual, phenomenon: "Jealous of What? Solving Polyamory's Jealousy Problem."
The quick answer to the energy/time question is get a Google shared calendar with any anchor partner(s). And talk about how much energy and time you'd like to spend on yourself and with each of your partners. Try to discuss this in terms of the ideal, generally, as enforcing a rigid calendar is sometimes a negative trigger.
RULES/GUIDELINES/PROTECTIVE MEASURES
Finally, my most important advice: FORGET lots of restrictive rules meant to protect any existing relationships!!!
Guidelines like these are probably ok (just some examples from my own relationship, in which case, we live together with two children; you get to decide your own structure):
As another example, with me on the other side of the fence, so to speak: I had to stop seeing a woman because one of her anchor partners had the "no marking" rule. I was NOT about to be with someone and be in an animal mood and have her other partner in my head saying, "No, no hickeys!" No way. Gross. That totally disrespects my own urge to express sexually the way that I want to. [And what a humbling moment that was, realizing how I'd been making my ex gf feel with all my own rules.]
Guidelines like these are probably ok (just some examples from my own relationship, in which case, we live together with two children; you get to decide your own structure):
- Let's not make love with others while the other one is in the house; caveat: unless there's no other good place for the date to take place. If so, let's disclose to partners when our other partner might be around so they aren't surprised and possibly made to feel uncomfortable. On that same note, if one of us says we'll be out overnight, don't come home early and unexpectedly unless it's an emergency!
- Let's communicate if we'll be out overnight at least X hours/days in advance, so the other person can make plans, too. Sometimes the best jealousy management is distraction and immersion in one's own interests/hobbies/other lovers.
- Let's be sure to get at least X nights together a week and with our family.
- Let's be sure to talk once a month or once a week to see how things are going and if we need to revise some of the way we're structuring/doing things.
- Veto power: If you can't have a reasonable conversation with your partner about their potential partner and have them really hear your concerns if you have them, you have way bigger problems to solve in your relationship. Yanking their chain with a veto is NOT the way to solve that! Just recently, someone who I find to be completely unhinged emotionally (always making assumptions and making others completely responsible for her emotions) expressed interest in my husband. He and I entertained the notion, until she had several more episodes during the consideration period. I expressed serious concern and my partner agreed. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have tried to control him with a veto. I have immense trust in him to make decisions that prioritize his family and I would have accepted his decision.
- Hardline rules that put you "in bed" with others while you're not really in bed with them, like "You can't mark my partner" or "You can't do X, Y, or Z sex act because we haven't done that yet."
As another example, with me on the other side of the fence, so to speak: I had to stop seeing a woman because one of her anchor partners had the "no marking" rule. I was NOT about to be with someone and be in an animal mood and have her other partner in my head saying, "No, no hickeys!" No way. Gross. That totally disrespects my own urge to express sexually the way that I want to. [And what a humbling moment that was, realizing how I'd been making my ex gf feel with all my own rules.]
Maybe some folks who are super into a strong hierarchical/primary partnership + everything-else-casual sort of structure could deal with that, but not me. I could have negotiated about the "no marking" situation if I had been falling in love with that person, but I didn't have the bandwidth to go through it all at the time. If I had, though, it would have been up to me to be mature enough and direct enough to initiate a potentially difficult conversation with her AND her partner who had the rule.
On that note, if you end up in a situation and aren't comfy with the guidelines in place, feel empowered to negotiate and state how you really feel. And do your best to assume best intentions from all concerned parties if they need you to listen to their concerns or need for re-negotiation. You have to be extremely comfortable with direct communication. Most people really aren't, though, even if they think they are! Here's More Than Two on "Successful Secondary Relationships" (though I dislike the hierarchy implied in that term). More Than Two, again, "Guide to Dating a Couple." This one's my favorite source so far that tackles what you should know when you open an existing dyad to a third party: Polyamory Weekly: "From Two to Three." It goes into great detail about all the pitfalls and gives a great list of "Don'ts."
I wish my partners had felt more empowered to challenge me directly versus break an agreement behind my back, but more than that, I wish I'd understood how to better control my outbursts and manage my own jealousy so that they would have felt safe doing so. We can only control our own behavior, after all. Again, I learned the hard way. I hope everyone in your own poly networks has the maturity and courage and compassion to engage and navigate this sometimes difficult communication process.
On that note, if you end up in a situation and aren't comfy with the guidelines in place, feel empowered to negotiate and state how you really feel. And do your best to assume best intentions from all concerned parties if they need you to listen to their concerns or need for re-negotiation. You have to be extremely comfortable with direct communication. Most people really aren't, though, even if they think they are! Here's More Than Two on "Successful Secondary Relationships" (though I dislike the hierarchy implied in that term). More Than Two, again, "Guide to Dating a Couple." This one's my favorite source so far that tackles what you should know when you open an existing dyad to a third party: Polyamory Weekly: "From Two to Three." It goes into great detail about all the pitfalls and gives a great list of "Don'ts."
I wish my partners had felt more empowered to challenge me directly versus break an agreement behind my back, but more than that, I wish I'd understood how to better control my outbursts and manage my own jealousy so that they would have felt safe doing so. We can only control our own behavior, after all. Again, I learned the hard way. I hope everyone in your own poly networks has the maturity and courage and compassion to engage and navigate this sometimes difficult communication process.
Do you want love/connection to bloom organically between the people involved or not? Do you think love is about freedom and self-/shared expression more than possession, or not? If you do, look less toward protective measures. Instead, to get through the harder parts of poly, turn to therapy, mindfulness activities, and open, honest, and frequent communication. If you decide to do therapy, try to find a poly specialist, which you can easily do in any larger urban area these days, thank goodness. If you are in the Denver metro area, I would recommend Indigo Conger.
While mono relationships can coast along quite awhile on autopilot without lots of conscious self- and relationship work, poly relationships will fail much more quickly without them.
As a final link for you, check out this other Bustle article on what mono people can learn from poly folk.
While mono relationships can coast along quite awhile on autopilot without lots of conscious self- and relationship work, poly relationships will fail much more quickly without them.
As a final link for you, check out this other Bustle article on what mono people can learn from poly folk.
I so wish I lived closer to you! I just freaking love you two! So proud & grateful to have you in my circle, even if only virtually! Hugs, Vegas
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DeleteWho are you? Haha, your name isn't showing here! :)
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