Inside Voice: nerves about Tuesday's F-Bomb performance and two "teaser" excerpts

NERVES

I woke up in the middle of the night with two fully developed conversations in my head that apparently I'd just had with myself in my sleep:

1) Several ideas for my current writing projects, each one already classified as to which writing project it belongs with or whether it goes with a few of them.

2) Tuesday will be my first feature performance.  I woke having had a bunch of thoughts like, "Who do you think you are getting up on stage Tuesday night? You don't deserve the attention. You get enough attention. Your writing isn't that good. No one wants to hear you whine about all that stuff in your past, and all your stupid fantasies, and it's not as literary or as balanced with humor as you think. It's not sexy enough, and the sex that's there is too weird. You sound like a man hater in your current piece. It's crap. It won't mean anything to anyone." [Famous women discuss "imposter syndrome"]

Luckily, other parts of my brain had already addressed that part of me (yes, in my sleep/dream!) and said back to it: "Hey, this self-doubt thing? It doesn't suit you, sweetie. You look much better in bold, and you know it. Are you "attention seeking," or are you sharing story with an audience because you get pleasure from performing and connecting with your community around stories? And let's check your head a little about this idea that you will sound like a "man hater." Internalize misogyny much? That is a classic silencing technique. Do you hate men? No, no you don't. Did you tell a true story? Yes, yes you did. Did you enjoy the process? Oh, goddess, so so much! Well, ok, then, breathe, go back to sleep.

If you lose the audience Tuesday, they can go upstairs and blues dance, at least." [Mercury Cafe's schedule]

Dear Mom, I finally learned how to use my inside voice. I'm pretty sure she sounds like you, the you before the you I knew, the you who used to whisper sweet somethings to me as you rocked me to sleep, before my ears knew how to collect you, save you, play you back. The you that looked like the me who, just last night, watched my daughter's face go from allaloneandscared noonehearsme to mamasong, mamahand, mamaclose.

Nothing is really lost in the end.

I've titled my current piece, which is a sort of collection of lost things, Inside Voices: A Choose Your Own Adventure Erotic, Creative Flash Memoir.  Here are two teaser excerpts.  Hope to see you at the Mercury Cafe this Tuesday evening at 730! [Event link]

excerpt 1, from the Cosmo online dating profile quiz:

Evaluate Your Tinder Profile: A Cosmo Quiz

You’re swiping left and right, but your Queen still hasn’t arrived on the scene. Are you making the most of your online dating experience? Take this quiz to find out!

Which of these lines is the best to use to describe your interests?

1. Reading in bed while drinking hot tea; writing; dancing. I’m a water girl, so anything that has to do with water: swimming, hot tubbing, taking a bath with my sweetie pie by candlelight. 
2. You. I’m interested in you. You fascinate me. Come here, so I can get a closer look. Tell me that awesome thing your mother said to you when you told her you were gay? And what did the mean girl say that hurt your feelings back in 6th grade when you still had braces? I want to know everything about you. 
3. I’m interested in knowing why my ex-girlfriend doesn’t talk to me anymore. Did she ever really love me?

It’s good to be honest in a dating profile. Which of these is just the right amount of honest?

1. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last year. I’ve been meditating and gaining more control over my emotions, but... when the well runs this deep, sometimes it runneth over. Feel me? What I’m saying is I’m mostly not crazy most of the time. 
2. If you are willing to be nice to me most of the time and pay me some attention on a regular basis, I’ll learn all your favorite foods and things to do, and will devote myself utterly to your continued happiness. 
3. I will only swipe right on you if you look at least a little bit like my ex girlfriend. 

Do you have any sexual proclivities outside the norm? It’s best to disclose those tastefully. Which one of these lines does the trick?

1. I could get into some role-playing; I did a theatre minor in college! 
2. I will come to your house for our 2nd date, I will throw you against the back of your front door and watch your eyes widen in anticipation. Then I’ll take my panties off right out from under my skirt, making you think we’re going to skip dinner and stay in. But instead, I’ll stuff them in your mouth, ask if you like the taste of my pussy even though I know you can’t answer, and make you go out to dinner with me like that. You’ll watch me eat and drink, while you can say nothing without giving yourself away as the dirty little whore you are. At some point, I’ll say, “good girl, give them here,” and make you spit them out while our sexy waiter delivers the bill. If he notices and doesn’t flinch, we’ll take him home and he’ll service you at my command. I’ll make him do the dishes before he leaves, because we both hate doing the dishes and it’s the least he can do after I let him near you.
3. I used to put a foxtail butt plug in my girlfriend’s ass and make her crawl around with a belt wrapped around her neck like a leash. Is it tacky if I use the same one on you, even if I cleaned it really well?

excerpt 2, from the section where we find out about the dirty little secret I should never have told Bobby Cress:

Mirror, Mirror
I made the mistake once of telling Bobby Cress that the weirdest thing I’d ever used to masturbate was a Snicker’s bar, still in the wrapper. He used to walk up to me for years after that and say, “it really satisfies” to remind me he knew my dirty little secret.

I guess I thought that chocolate seemed the best answer out of all the other weird shit I stuffed up my cunt and asshole. What else did I use? Hairbrush handle. Knife handle. Pencil. Electric toothbrush. Aunt Evelyn’s spa tub jets. My favorite: the squiggle wiggle writer. I will get my daughter a vibrator when she’s ready, a real one, but I see nothing wrong with these creative acts of insertion and insurrection. Women get pushed right out of our bodies and minds so often, no wonder we spend so much time trying to get back in.