Crayon of Other Soar: Trump, Shades of Grey, and The Loving Dominant

On the heels of the absolutely absurd connection being made between Trump's "pussy grabbing" remarks and the book, Shades of Grey [links here and here], and after hearing about some anti-bdsm comments made by Audre Lorde in which she claims that bdsm establishes dominance as inevitable [links here and here], I feel called to talk about my pro-bdsm stance.

Domination is not inevitable, but power plays are, even if we're just talking about inside ourselves. My reason & intuition sometimes war, my emotional self and my rational self. I can find balance between them in a dialectic I've recently heard referred to as wise mind.

My experiences both subbing and topping have built my ability to be mindful generally. A skilled top needs to be very aware of the bottom's reactions, the surrounding environment, to hold space for the surrender. Bdsm play continues to teach me to be mindful of how these forces play out within me. They've helped me put them to work together, in concert. Especially my experiences topping both men and women have encouraged the development of my wise mind that can navigate the opposing forces within me. Both positions--bottom, top--can help with impulse control issues.

None of this amazing personal evolution I've experienced with bdsm has fuck all to do with being controlled by the patriarchy, unless it's to make me conscious of and give me the joystick to the mechanisms of control that have run rough shod over me from all the state apparatus of control-the Church, the School, the State. I might be the Priest, the Principal, the President in my scene.

This practice is not for nothing. It is not just aping male control. It's practicing and playing with power and responsible control over the self and others.

Choice in consumer society is an illusion. You can buy the red one or the blue one, but you'll buy one of them. In my life, bdsm is a counterpoint to lack of choice and to the way that feeds into a hegemonic lack of self expression and diversity.

It is most supremely a theatrical act, relating to the true roots of drama in the ritual sacrifice of the year king and queen. It is a sacrifice of the expected, a crayon of Other soar.

Ok, that was supposed to say a creation of Other space, but it actually makes more sense to say the crayon soars. I see a kinky Harold, all grown up, having discarded his purple crayon for a purple flogger, making my back his canvas, writing a world onto me at my request.

It's an invitation to get creative or get gone, to drive or hand over the keys. The car keys, the musical notes, the typewriter ones. It's Authorship, a collaborative drama.

Anything that brings me pleasure on my own terms empowers me. Any way I provide release and loss of monkey mind thoughts to my pets empowers them first of all but also me because I got to be the thing that was needed. Doesn't everyone long to be the thing that is needed sometimes?

I am reading a wonderful book called The Loving Dominant, and the point the author makes, rightly, is that the submissive really controls the whole game in consensual play. Dominants need to be aware of their sub's desires, and work creatively and compassionately to meet them, or the dom/me won't have that sub for long. "In a consensual relationship, control applied purely to self gratification is a self-limiting proposition. Submissives who do not get what they are looking for are unlikely to remain in a relationship for very long" (6).

Ethical tops look, and they look deeply, for whether the control they've been given was given freely and for healthy reasons.

If only all people in power took such a close look at the power they've been given, and whether and how and when they should use it.

Like I don't know, maybe a presidential candidate?